Photo by: Mujerzuela http://www.flickr.com/photos/mujerzuela/
Susana received a message from Maria that morning. It said:
I heard you are coming to L.A and I though you might need a place to stay. If its not extremely awkward you can feel free to crash my place. Anyway, if you do, you know I am not a very good hostess, so…yeah. Also I will tell you two things out-front, The first is: you are going need a car in here, esto no es Nueva York jew know? The second: I will not be around so you´ll need to get things done by yourself. Consiguete un GPS, without that you are fucked.
Exes and ohs
Susana didn´t cared. She didn´t even wanted to stay at Maria´s. She didn´t even cared for Maria anymore (or so she said). Jew know? What the hell was that anyway? Some fancy new Jew slang she felt entitled to use now that she was marrying one of Abraham´s sons? I mean really? Jew know? What about all her latina blabber when she was in university? It all went down the tube.
Maria had left Susana exactly thirteen months ago for a man. A Jewish man obviously. She forgot their five years together, their plans of having babies, their plans, the joy, the tears, their plans, the apartment, the plants, their plans, the white expensive sofa. The I-love-you-forever-I´ve-never-been-this-happy-in-my-life-te-amo-tontita-you-are-my-girl-and-mi-esposa-and-my-life.
She forgot absolutely everything. She threw their relationship down the toilet without hesitation, in the coldest most rational way possible. She packed her things in less than she had ever packed anything before (just getting ready every morning took her a minimum of three hours, not including breakfast or national days) and said the following words:
I feel for Joshua what I´ve never been able to feel for you in five years (whatever that is). I am leaving you. I am happy. I am never coming back. I know you will forgive me.
That’s all she said and when you really think about it there´s really no other way she could have said that, there´s really no BETTER way to say that.
As Maria drove away in her old red car, Susana couldn´t help to think about the one and only other time they had broken up during their five years together. It happened for some dumb reason she didn´t really remember well, all she knew was that the decision to break-up had been hers because she felt confused (lame) and because she didn´t knew where her life was heading (lame and cliché) and because some other arguments of that sort (all of them really lame).
But what Susana really, really remembered of that one breaking-upwards experience with Maria, was laying on the floor crying naked singing Mariah Carey´s We Belong Together over and over, non-stop, for hours (the song is still on the top of her most played songs on iTunes).
She remembered how she felt hopeless and lost and miserable and dirty and sad and pathetic and empty. She remembered how she thought that specific song was the PERFECT song to suit her feelings and how she prayed she would never have to feel the same affinity for a song of that sort EVER in her life. Luckily this, which was the worst time of her life ever, only really lasted 14 hours (yes, the amounts of times that the song was played is ridiculous. You do the math).
Now, We Belong Together, the most perfect despair song ever written was useless. Now she had no song to suit her feelings and what was worse: she was in real need for a song of the nature. She needed a song that really spoke right through her, right now.
As Maria drove further away, all Susana could think about was finding a new perfect (if possible) song that could suit the feeling of having her world crash down as Maria´s red car disappeared in the city.
And by disappearing in the city we mean making a right two blocks north.
Write. Write about anything, even if you are dizzy and about to throw up. Even if you have a head-ache and can barely think or see what you are writing.
Write until it hurts (its better if you bleed). Write about the time you were driving home and a giant-yellow (soft yellow actually) bunny came out of nowhere and how it made you fear yellow bunnies forever. Yellow bunnies and drugs and driving.
You never drove again.
Write about your grandmother, a woman who never ever left her house and who made a living out of home-made ice creams and sewing. Write about her even if no one knows her or no one cares.
Write a secret, write about your family, write for your family. Write a poem for a friend about the guy who crashed her dreams. Write it and call it: Adventures with the letter A: A-hole.
Write a song, rewrite your favorite song so it becomes suitable for many occasions. Make it a happy, angry and depressive song all at the same time. If you make it, buy yourself jewelry, even if its 3 dollars jewelry.
Write about your favorite dress or your favorite t-shirt. Write about your endless love towards clean sheets. Write about falling in love with inanimate objects.
Write about the time that girl broke your heart and how secretly, you still think about her every night and every time you have waffles for breakfast. How you think about her at 9:00am, always.
Write about your body, write for your body (it matters). Try to describe your freckles or the color of your hair (it looks red, they call it red, its really some other color).
Write letters to yourself:
Don´t worry, you are doing great.
Write until it hurts (its better if you bleed).